the ocean is rising
lilac sunset
claw myself out a gush
and into the world we are
everything is under control
i tell myself repeatedly
anticolonialism isn’t hate
but justice       but love
keeps no record of debts
high fidelity agony tourism
across my inner landscape
no escape but taking the final
door early in the cold night
we share together turning
away from god’s love because
body heat is mine           but not
enough alone                 behavioural
sink walls not physical   but
who is and isn’t loved    and locked
in so tight we’re going feral lost
and traumatised and mothers
eat their children          let me flow
out feeling to all our gutters
nerves and symbols by each
carry me Christ, I understand
I am to live by love and God
oh God oh God oh God the Sun
brings light to all of this I’ve been to
until the second twilight
of my body breaking
down ænd then recede
from gifts with no ownership
but His, who sets no tasks
and asks no fealty
such becomes a gift
to Him. and if my body’s
taken from me
it was given
                        ‘fore you did
of this world we share of His
heavens blue a calm sorrow
           oceans salt with tears
and yet
Michael o Michael o
Michael might of you
might you help me
find a way to keep light
in me and buoyancy
for those still in the night
who might choose to hold
or sink but God forbid pull
us under which, then, reluctant
draw your sword of justice
and pray they come to understand
the mutual life of pluralism for
inner multitudes, there’s so much to
please please please please please
God      get across the me
i might find the words
to live in

Note: behavioural-sink refers to the societal breakdown observed in rat ‘heavens’ wherein rats were provided infinite food and water but limited space.

The aim of this project is to share lived experiences of mental health via poetry. Therefore, some of the content may potentially trigger some readers. If you require mental health support or assistance, a list of free confidential 24/7 support lines can be found here. You are not alone in your journey.