THE EPIC HIGHS AND LOWS OF HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL

O Riverdale

O Riverdale, American supernatural horror crime drama television series based

on the characters of Archie Comics

O Riverdale streaming on Netflix

Riverdale, we are compelled

to toot our horns for you every day

and to everyone we see

O Riverdale we are coocoo bananas for you obvi

We cannot stop this tooting

We feel an evangelical thrill

When other people say

That's so cringe HAHAHAHAH and

Literally what is even going on and

Ma che cosa è successo??? È ridicola ormai

it only strengthens our conviction

It is but juice

for the muscles of our devotion!

Look how they ripple and glisten

Riverdale, you are sooo

sexy and underappreciated, like an amazing woman

your unsubtlety spectacular,

your absurdity heroic,

your unseriousness as necessary as fistfighting a bear,

your vibe

impeccable as a ponytail,

but not just any ponytail, Betty’s ponytail,

which is to say, beyond reproach,

Riverdale you are unparalleled,

in fact fully perpendicular, alone in a field

and still forging ahead

with a mad compass

Riverdale you are unbothered, lawless, shaking loose from the universe

O Riverdale you are so special and different, like an LGBT

Riverdale, when Betty’s mother and sister

and Chad Michael Murray as the organ-harvesting cult leader Edgar Evernever

sat Betty down at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy

(previously a home for troubled youths run by corrupt nuns

but now the headquarters of Chad Michael Murray’s organ-harvesting cult)

and told her she had

the serial killer gene,

we had to pause to be amazed

We had to light a little candle and give thanks

Riverdale, when Cheryl threatened her mother

with fistfuls of honeycomb

saying Begone from my temple

for I will smite thee

for I am Cheryl Blossom

Queen of the Bees,

we held hands on this dreadful couch

and smiled the smiles of two girls

with no bad thoughts at all

Riverdale, when the devil said I go by many names

Today, it’s Mr Cypher

You can call me Lou

and then handed over a business card that read

Lou Cypher,

our brains descended gently

into warm sauce

When Tabitha drank a milkshake

out of the actual Holy Grail…

O Riverdale… for real

Riverdale, o Riverdale, amid this disappointing life

we are undisappointed by you

Every day with you presents new stupidities

more delightful than the day before

Every day we have to blink at our good luck

Every day we have to shake our heads in wonder,

look at each other, nod once,

reach under the couch in tandem and bring out the horns

Woman! Take my hand—

To the rooftops! To toot it again!