Grief

Floating between the deep dark

Floating between the deep dark

And light

Body pushing upward

Arms pushing down

Legs trying to tap into the gifted rugby fitness

of my Maori beginnings.

Stagnant

Unable to inhale

Exhale

Suffocate

Sharks bait

Focused on freedom

Overwhelming feelings

Keep me submerged

Heavily weighted

Pleads for help go unheard

Filtered, muffled, muzzled, Flow 

Wrapped in the body of Tangaroa

You’ve cleansed me well

Put me out of my misery

Powerful mind suffers physically

Exhaustion initiates

Fight or flight activates

My limbs never stopped moving

Keeping up pace

Emotions, hovering along ocean floors like stingrays

Ushered toward the surface like prey

The deep darkness captures the best of me

Losing Hope immensely

Underneath I’m crying

The water submerged, escapes my eyes

I find safety in knowing I’m alone

While the adult self knows 

my inner child is lying

She circulates my psyche

Unpredictable and ready

Swallowing pain and filtering thru her gills

She spits it out

Allowing us to continue

On with the day

Her body lurks,

Overworked

Keeping it together

Multi tasking tentacles

Sharp & clever

The only thing is, she never forgets

Kaua e mate wheke, mate ururoa

Time passes,

All are at work

We no longer want to be a shell

Of our former self

The dolphins and whales

Are ready to start breaching

Trying to swim up to the surface

Because I want to start breathing

Microaggressions multiplying

Trauma-induced psychosis, terrifying

As much as I want to start rising

Grief is like forever drowning 

and never dying.

The aim of this project is to share lived experiences of mental health via poetry. Therefore, some of the content may potentially trigger some readers. If you require mental health support or assistance, a list of free confidential 24/7 support lines can be found here. You are not alone in your journey.