Canned laughter

Interviewer: Welcome to the show. Judy, ah, I couldn’t help but notice that you are a very attractive young woman. What do you do for a living? Let me ask you something, [here comes the zinger] do you think I’m attractive? 

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Judy: I’m an artists’ manager. I’ve been doing it about 10 years now. I was in a band but we were awful so I sort of left and went into marketing and then I thought…

[SOMETHING HAPPENS. YOU DON’T RECOGNISE SOMEBODY AND THE CHAMPAGNE HASN’T TURNED UP AT THE ROOM. THE MONEY IS GONE]

Interviewer: Ok, let’s get stuck in. Two men stand together talking. One is wearing a dark three-piece suit and glasses, and has grey styled hair, moustache and beard. The other wears an untucked, light pink collared shirt and beige trousers. His grey hair is short and tufted. The CFMEU? You know it? 

[METALWORKERS MANUFACTURERS MEDICAL MINING MINING MINING MINING THE CORRECT ANSWER IS GONNA BE IN THERE SOMEWHERE]

Judy: A ‘wide-scale operation’ [sucking noises]…

Interviewer: Judy, a bit debaucherous. 

[HUNDREDS OF WOMEN HITTING HEADLINES AROUND THE WORLD. THE MINISTER IS HITTING BACK, WOULDN’T BE INTERVIEWED ON CAMERA]

Judy: …how could this happen? Applause is an addiction like heroin or checking your emails. Once you’ve had a taste you’ll do anything to get more. Don’t end up like these people. Don’t end up like [sob] me. 

Interviewer: You’ve gone all golf ball in the garden hose, Judy, that’s where you’ve gone. I’m going to pop the egg whites in next and smear them with butter, if you, ah, know what I mean.

[SLEEVES PUSHED UP TO HER ELBOWS, SHE MOVES FROM A SMALLER POT TO A LARGER POT, FOLDED INTO THE REST]

Judy: I don’t think that has anything to do with my job. 

[BO-OI-OING NOISE]

Interviewer: Well, I know, forget about that for a second…  I’m a man, you’re a woman, come on. What do you think? Take life up a notch, Judy. Choose your excess. 

Judy: I don’t know how to answer that.

Interviewer: Welcome to the show, anyway, Judy. 

Judy: [get another layer of protection] Everyone wait. What does he want? He’s already taken everything I care about. The attack is the third in recent weeks.

[HE WAS EXPECTED TO GIVE MORE DETAILS, WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THIS PRESS CONFERENCE]

Interviewer: Really. So what else is in the news?

Judy: This just in. I don’t give a crap.

Interviewer: I’m trying to set you up for laughs.

Judy: Trying to set me up with a giraffe? Alright. 

Interviewer: You guys know about giraffes. Long legs big neck. Speaking of necks… 

[A WOMAN WALKS THROUGH A CLOTHING STORE, HOLDING A GIANT CREDIT CARD LIKE A PROTEST SIGN.  THE PRICE OF BEER IS ABOUT TO GO UP. AND 35 YEARS AFTER EXPOSING LEVELS OF CORRUPTION THAT SHOOK QUEENSLAND TO ITS CORE, TONY FITZGERALD IS BACK TO, AH, CARRY OUT HIS RESPONSIBILITIES AND DUTIES] 

Judy: Who better to oversee corruption than the man who created it? I guess we got off easy, ha? 

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

^{Footnote: this poem was created using the Holding Patterns constraint as the starting point. The text was revealed to the poets through turning the television on for one minute every hour over five hours on 31 January 2022, 5pm (NZDT), 2pm (AEST).}