It’s the morning of lunch day with my family

By Keztril 

I’m awake, talking to myself and trying to express a sense of awe

and looking through pools of doubt I ask

how did we get here our family?

For so long it seemed to crank along silently, as one would expect

we all left home

went separate ways

and when that news arrived of melanoma …. it felt unreasonable

and I can’t explain why that could be when all around us cancer is common

“What to do”? ….and….“but…surely we can change diet? Inject vitamin c”?

and all around the sounds are falling and that reality just keeps growing

it’s my brother’s birthday lunch today and we will gather to celebrate

though it’s certain talk will be surface who knows

what the moment will look like

when the unspeakable is spoken

for all around us we search for miracles that are unlikely to come

and I want to scream

and I want to throw a tantrum

for I can’t change that certainty

before this ……

or for that reason…

STOP brain!

logic has no place here

When all is said and done that can’t matter any more

before that test things were different

and then a gaping void emerged

now our focus must be on connection

and all other inconsequential thoughts must be put away

How will we all sit?

when will words emerge for healing and not intellect?

and sitting together we know that every day counts

ticketty tocketty tick

how that inevitability invades our positivity!

I just want to celebrate life, all of it

even when faced with so much fragility or insurmountable doubt

that it seems impossible

that is exactly the moment it is needed the most

or maybe that is impractical and naive and in lal la land I languish

As always, for thoughts like these I deregister them

whose are they anyway?

that sound of doubt ain’t mine!

before this disturbance I could recognise this easier

or at least saw whose direction they came from and then I’d send them back

And as time marches forward knowledge prevails

and how certain it feels to sit and smile towards the one I love

how that matters more ….

and fear and hope walk together

then run

then sleep

and on awaking only calm….only calm

But nothing I hate more are these insidious enemies inside veins and organs

they multiply and the body is their institution

that is hard to disregard

though easy to look away it’s there or never far away

How this family will react is unknown and impossible to predict

fear and hope and resolve and reality

I want to wrap my spirit round us all when heaviness sets in and hold

and breathe!

I am leaving my house to go to lunch

that part is certain

I walk towards the journey of haziness with my family

and I smile and ask myself:

who wouldn’t love this man I call my father?

Written in response to Sunday activity week one