my body is a window

i.
 
which is to say: if you lift me up i will let in a thousand
fragrant blooms                              spring air to hold you
 
but here’s the thing about trauma: it builds bars around being
so used to my body pressed against glass, voices muffled
breath fogging up pane: i have become proficient in writing
the word HELP                                                 backwards
 
 
ii.
 
in a TV show where people dress up as drag queens
contestants are asked to name their inner saboteur
 
ladies & gentlethem, please welcome to the stage
Sid                                      it is short for Insidious
 
 
iii.
 
Sid says have you ever thought about a brief career in tying
knots
 
Sid says what would happen if we lay down & never got
up
 
Sid says if ya wanna go, let’s                                       go


Sid is not my friend
 
 
iv.
 
defenestration is the act of throwing a body through
a window, but how can i throw this voice outside myself
 
remember               trauma builds bars around being
 
 
v.
 
the writer Anna Borges has called
this condition chronic passive suicidal
ideation
 
i call it up at least five times a week, involuntarily
on the weekend we hang out, paint each others nails:
as i order the pizza it plans an escape route
i so want to escape this
 
 
vi.
 
so i go to therapy, do the work, write lists about all of the reasons
i want to live               & on all of them, your name appears twice
 
i head home realising that i may be a car doing 40-something
down the freeway of life, tyres balding, odometer in need
of the occasional tap                                                           but
my radio heart can still sing & when i wind the window down
my palm catches wind & surely this is reason enough to keep
                                                                                           going
 
 
vii.
 
i get home, fill bucket with soap & water, take down all the bars
squidgy clean each sheet of pain, go inside, turn on all the lights
so i am bright & shiny because       my body is a window & now
 

now                                                                        you can see me