which is to say: if you lift me up i will let in a thousand
fragrant blooms                              spring air to hold you
but here’s the thing about trauma: it builds bars around being
so used to my body pressed against glass, voices muffled
breath fogging up pane: i have become proficient in writing
the word HELP                                                 backwards
in a TV show where people dress up as drag queens
contestants are asked to name their inner saboteur
ladies & gentlethem, please welcome to the stage
Sid                                      it is short for Insidious

Sid says have you ever thought about a brief career in tying
Sid says what would happen if we lay down & never got
Sid says if ya wanna go, let’s                                       go

Sid is not my friend
defenestration is the act of throwing a body through
a window, but how can i throw this voice outside myself
remember               trauma builds bars around being
the writer Anna Borges has called
this condition chronic passive suicidal
i call it up at least five times a week, involuntarily
on the weekend we hang out, paint each others nails:
as i order the pizza it plans an escape route
i so want to escape this
so i go to therapy, do the work, write lists about all of the reasons
i want to live               & on all of them, your name appears twice
i head home realising that i may be a car doing 40-something
down the freeway of life, tyres balding, odometer in need
of the occasional tap                                                           but
my radio heart can still sing & when i wind the window down
my palm catches wind & surely this is reason enough to keep
i get home, fill bucket with soap & water, take down all the bars
squidgy clean each sheet of pain, go inside, turn on all the lights
so i am bright & shiny because       my body is a window & now

now                                                                        you can see me       

The aim of this project is to share lived experiences of mental health via poetry. Therefore, some of the content may potentially trigger some readers. If you require mental health support or assistance, a list of free confidential 24/7 support lines can be found here. You are not alone in your journey.